Greasy-Deece Potato Pancakes and Hash-Browns

Our pancakes will always smile, feel?

Hey boys 'n' girls: I'm a crusty grease-monkey, and I'm back. Let's get down to business.

Ingredients

3 handfuls french fries*

2 tablespoons sweet onion, minced

1 tablespoon sweet onion, chopped

2 tablespoons waffle batter

4 tablespoons vegetable oil†

Utensils

3 white bowls

1 deep frying-pan

1 grill station

1 fork

1 knife

1 white plate

Preparation: Part 1

Mash 2 handfuls french fries with 2 tablespoons waffle-batter and 2 tablespoons minced onion—using 1 fork, 1 knife, and your big bear hands—to the consistency of banana-puree. In 1 deep frying-pan on 1 grill station, heat 4 tablespoons vegetable oil on high heat. You haven't got much time (in fact, there's no time), so shape the 2-handfuls-french-fries-and-2-tablespoons-waffle-batter-and-2-tablespoons-minced-onion mixture into 2 discs, each of exactly 3.5". diameter. Place the 2 discs of exactly 3.5" diameter in the 4 tablespoons vegetable oil, which are heating in 1 deep frying-pan on 1 grill-station. Got all that? Right, fry those things, and do that fast, because you know, oil spits and that. By the way, this is still a fucking mess. Try and flip these, they'll stick like crazy, but you should make the attempt. Pour out your excess oil into another white bowl. Place your crispy Greasy-Deece Potato-Pancakes on 1 white plate. You've succeeded if they don't crumble down to hash-brown status. Can you guess how Part 2 came about?

Preparation: Part 2

Mash 1 handful french fries and 1 tablespoon chopped onions to the consistency of … hash-browns, okay, what do you want? Pour the excess oil from Part 1 back into the deep frying-pan (yeah, it was really important that you take it out in the first place). Heat the oil on high heat, and throw this mixture in. Fry it all nice and good. Greasy-Deece Hash-Browns. Reaaaaal greasy, baby.

*Yeah, REAL HANDFULS.
†This recipe might work a lot better if you didn't fry these in a lot of oil. You could try that.

Rating: Another Deeceaster, but if you like potatoes and fat, it's pretty Deecent.

Phat-Deece "Maple"-Syrup Deep-Fried Maple-Frosted Doughnut

Potential for mutilation and/or reprisals

Ingredients

1 Glutino Gluten-Free Maple-Frosted Doughnut

2 tablespoon waffle batter

1 oz skim milk

1 tablespoon "maple" syrup

1 sprinkling powdered sugar

6 tablespoons vegetable oil

Utensils

2 white bowl

1 grill-station

1 deep frying-pan*

1 ill-shaped stir fry spoon†

1 fork

1 spoon

Preparation

Mix 2 tablespoons waffle batter and 1 oz skim milk in 1 white bowl with 1 spoon. Heat 6 tablespoons vegetable oil in 1 deep frying-pan on 1 grill-station. If you heat it very long, the oil is going to spit all over the place and pop and everyone is going to look at you. Heat the oil on highest setting. Maybe test some of the waffle-batter-and-skim-milk mixture (hereafter, "batter") in it to see if it's ready. If it is, grab 1 Glutino Gluten-Free Maple-Frosted Doughnut, slather it in batter, and drop it in the pan. Drip batter into the center; scrape and drizzle; yeah, yeah—you're a fucking mess. Flip and repeat. Remove from heat and place in another white bowl. Chill by the pan until the oil has cooled a little, then pour it into the batter bowl (save dishes; be kind to service staff). Put the deep frying-pan on the frying-pan cart. Take the 2 white bowls, and walk away quickly. Drizzle 1 tablespoon "maple" syrup—and sprinkle 1 sprinkling powdered sugar—onto your Deep-Fried Glutino Gluten-Free Maple-Frosted Doughnut. Allow to cool (or don't), and enjoy your Phat-Deece "Maple"-Syrup Deep-Fried Maple-Frosted Doughnut. And no, I don't know what you should do with the oil. Tupperware/wrestling?

*Like that'll work on any of the grill-stations...

†There's this one triangular spatula. Try to get that instead.

Rating: Deeceaster, but oh-so-Deecelicious