Sober-Deece Fruit Mocktail

Ingredients:

One part wholesomely delicious cranberry juice (from the juice machine)

One part wholesomely delectable apple juice (from the juice machine)

One part seltzer water (from when you push the 'seltzer' button on the soda machine)

Pineapple for garnish (from the place where they sometimes keep fruit...well, basically just melon and jello, next to the place with the cream cheese)

Preparation:

It's saturday morning, and you and your friends are slowly piecing together what happened last night when it dawns on you, maybe you'd be better off with a mocktail one of these days. Then you wouldn't have to worry about those texts you accidentally sent last night, or that girl you accidentally __ last night. So...

-Grab a glass* and fill it 2/3 of the way up with Crap Juice (cran-apple)

-Add seltzer to fill the glass

-Garnish with a piece ofDeece fruit cocktail (pineapple or peaches or melon)

-Gulp it down and feel the sweet tasty tangy innocence flow down your throat!

Rating: Deecequenching/Refreshdeecing

The Deece-Didn't-Make-Curry-The-One-Time-I-Wanted-Curry Stir-Fry

Ingredients:

2 generous sprinkles of yellow curry

1 shake of onion powder

1 dash of smoked paprika

1 generous pinch of season salt

1 splash of Deece cooking Burgundy Wine (actually available in the deece near you)

1 drizzle of balsamic vinegar

1 small spoonful of minced garlic

enough olive oil to keep things stir-frying (not burn-frying)

onions

zucchini

broccoli (broken into small pieces)

carrots

2 heaping spoonfuls of rice noodles

• *feel free to add any other veggies you desire*

Preparation:

After a long exhausting day of procrastination, you are saddened when you realize that, once again, there is nothing you can eat (or at least nothing you would ever want to eat) at the Deece today. (starting a sentence with)But just as you are about to feel defeated, you remember the stir fry station. This super tastey** easier-than-it-looks recipe will spice up your life!

-first heat some olive oil in a skillet on medium-high heat

-add onions, zucchini, broccoli

-add sauces and spices to taste, allowing the wine and balsamic to simmer down to a nice reduction

-when veggies are tender, quickly add in the noodles and toss just until warm (you don't want them to become soggy)

-plate and enjoy!

**spelled the fergalicious way

Phat-Deece Glutino Gluten-Free Vanilla-Frosted Jelly Doughnuts

Ingredients

1 Glutino Gluten-Free Vanilla-Frosted Doughnut

2 spoonfuls Deece jelly, jam, or preserves

Utensils

1 butter-knife

1 spoon

1 white plate
1 fork

Preparation

Glutino Gluten-Free Vanilla-Frosted Doughnuts are thick and hardy, and perfect for this recipe: cut 1 Glutino Gluten-Free Vanilla-Frosted Doughnut in half with a butter-knife.* Carve out a canal—about ¼" deep and 3/8" wide—in 1 half of the Glutino Gluten-Free Vanilla-Frosted Doughnut. Take two spoonfuls of Deece jelly, jam, or preserves, and fill in the canal so that the jam is deeper than the canal by about ¼". Place this filled half of the Glutino Gluten-Free Vanilla-Frosted Doughnut on the white plate, canal-side up. Take the other half of the Glutino Gluten-Free Vanilla-Frosted Doughnut and repeat the canal-carving process. Take this second half of the Glutino Gluten-Free Vanilla-Frosted Doughnut and place it firmly on top of the first half, canal-side down. Try not to allow any of the Deece jelly, jam, or preserves to leak out of the Glutino Gluten-Free Vanilla-Frosted Doughnut. Place the white plate in the microwave and heat for 45 seconds. Take out, allow to cool for approximately 2-4 minutes, and enjoy your very own jelly-filled, Glutino Gluten-Free Vanilla-Frosted Doughnut.

For an interesting twist on this classic recipe, try substituting 2 spoonfuls of Deece custard for the 2 spoonfuls of Deece jelly, jam, or preserves—or try substituting 1 Glutino Gluten-Free Chocolate-Frosted Doughnut, 1 Glutino Gluten-Free Maple-Frosted Doughnut, or 1 Glutino Gluten-Free Cinnamon Doughnut for the 1 Glutino Gluten-Free Vanilla-Frosted Doughnut.

*The outside of a Glutino Gluten-Free Vanilla-Frosted Doughnut is not at all thus. In fact it will crumble all the fuck over the place. Stuff it in the center hole at the end. Honestly, it's impossible to dig a good canal anyway. Eat this shit with a fork. It tastes delicious.

Rating: Deecelicious