The Deece-Didn't-Make-Curry-The-One-Time-I-Wanted-Curry Stir-Fry

Ingredients:

2 generous sprinkles of yellow curry

1 shake of onion powder

1 dash of smoked paprika

1 generous pinch of season salt

1 splash of Deece cooking Burgundy Wine (actually available in the deece near you)

1 drizzle of balsamic vinegar

1 small spoonful of minced garlic

enough olive oil to keep things stir-frying (not burn-frying)

onions

zucchini

broccoli (broken into small pieces)

carrots

2 heaping spoonfuls of rice noodles

• *feel free to add any other veggies you desire*

Preparation:

After a long exhausting day of procrastination, you are saddened when you realize that, once again, there is nothing you can eat (or at least nothing you would ever want to eat) at the Deece today. (starting a sentence with)But just as you are about to feel defeated, you remember the stir fry station. This super tastey** easier-than-it-looks recipe will spice up your life!

-first heat some olive oil in a skillet on medium-high heat

-add onions, zucchini, broccoli

-add sauces and spices to taste, allowing the wine and balsamic to simmer down to a nice reduction

-when veggies are tender, quickly add in the noodles and toss just until warm (you don't want them to become soggy)

-plate and enjoy!

**spelled the fergalicious way

Family-Deece Home-Cooked Meal

Ingredients

-

Utensils

-

Preparation

Make friends with a Ferry House Resident.

Rating: Indeecescribable (I don't know; haven't got one of those).

Chill-Deece Iced Chai Latte

Traditional 

Ingredients

12 oz hot chai latte

4 oz Vitamin D milk

10-15 ice cubes

Utensils

1 clear plastic cup

Preparation

Dispense 12 oz hot chai latte into 1 clear plastic cup. Pour 4 oz Vitamin D milk over the 12 oz hot chai latte. For best results, allow to cool for 5-10 minutes, then add 10-15 ice cubes. If you are in a hurry, it's alright to just add the ice cubes right away, without allowing the 12-oz-hot-chai-latte-4-oz-Vitamin-D-milk mixture to cool. You just won't have as chill of a Chill-Deece Iced Chai Latte. Now slurp it up. It tastes like Christmas. And it's honestly not so much worse than the swill you're likely to get at any "coffee shop" around campus. Or in most of Po-town, for that matter (since when does Tazo brewed in water with a trickle of milk pass for a latte?). Maybe wash it down with a Sexy-Deece Aztec Hot Chocolate.

For a super chill-wave twist, use 12 oz french vanilla instead of 12 oz hot chai latte. Still tastes like Christmas, and undying fucking disappointment.

Rating: Indeecent

Drunk-Deece Beer 'n' Tofu Scramble w/ Spinach Salad

Dish-intensive

Ingredients

1-4 40 oz Colt 45 or King Cobra malt beverages*

1 can Pabst Blue Ribbon beer*

15-18 squares tofu

1 dash cumin or tumeric

1½ tablespoons olive oil†

1 handful spinach

1 tablespoon balsamic vinaigrette†

Utensils

2 white bowls

1 fork

1 frying pan††

1 grill station

1 ill-shaped stir-fry spoon†††

1 green plate

Preparation

Drink 1-4 40 oz Colt 45 or King Cobra malt beverages. Walk to the Deece. Crack open 1 can Pabst Blue Ribbon. Pour 1 oz Pabst Blue Ribbon beer into 1 white bowl. Leave the remaining Pabst Blue Ribbon at your table, and head to the stir-fry counter. Mash 15-18 squares tofu in another white bowl with 1 fork, and drink or drain the tofu-water. Mix the mashed tofu with 1 dash cumin or tumeric. Drizzle a very small amount of the 1 oz Pabst Blue Ribbon beer over the mashed tofu mixture. Pour 1 tablespoon olive oil into 1 frying pan, and place on medium heat on 1 grill-station. When olive-oil is heated—but not smoking—scoop the mashed tofu mixture into the frying pan with 1 ill-shaped stir-fry spoon. Stir to avoid burning with the ill-shaped stir-fry spoon. Your delicious Drunk-Deece Beer 'n' Tofu Scramble is ready to eat as soon as it is hot, but it may taste even better golden-brown (char it black if you want; you won't remember this meal). Scoop the Drunk-Deece Beer 'n' Tofu Scramble onto 1 green plate (golden-brown looks best on a green plate), and place 1 handful spinach next to it. In the white bowl, mix the remainder of the 1 oz Pabst Blue Ribbon beer with ½ tablespoon olive oil and 1 tablespoon balsamic vinaigrette. Stir well, and pour over the handful spinach. Eat your Drunk-Deece Beer 'n' Tofu Scramble and drink the remainder of the can Pabst Blue Ribbon beer. Go to bed on the re-appropriated UpC couches.

*Bring it with you, drangus.

†I know, I know—there are no measuring spoons in the Deece.

††Make sure it is flat-handled; any other pan may not work with the grill-station.

†††Seriously, what the fuck?

Rating: Deecent

Phat-Deece "Maple"-Syrup Deep-Fried Maple-Frosted Doughnut

Potential for mutilation and/or reprisals

Ingredients

1 Glutino Gluten-Free Maple-Frosted Doughnut

2 tablespoon waffle batter

1 oz skim milk

1 tablespoon "maple" syrup

1 sprinkling powdered sugar

6 tablespoons vegetable oil

Utensils

2 white bowl

1 grill-station

1 deep frying-pan*

1 ill-shaped stir fry spoon†

1 fork

1 spoon

Preparation

Mix 2 tablespoons waffle batter and 1 oz skim milk in 1 white bowl with 1 spoon. Heat 6 tablespoons vegetable oil in 1 deep frying-pan on 1 grill-station. If you heat it very long, the oil is going to spit all over the place and pop and everyone is going to look at you. Heat the oil on highest setting. Maybe test some of the waffle-batter-and-skim-milk mixture (hereafter, "batter") in it to see if it's ready. If it is, grab 1 Glutino Gluten-Free Maple-Frosted Doughnut, slather it in batter, and drop it in the pan. Drip batter into the center; scrape and drizzle; yeah, yeah—you're a fucking mess. Flip and repeat. Remove from heat and place in another white bowl. Chill by the pan until the oil has cooled a little, then pour it into the batter bowl (save dishes; be kind to service staff). Put the deep frying-pan on the frying-pan cart. Take the 2 white bowls, and walk away quickly. Drizzle 1 tablespoon "maple" syrup—and sprinkle 1 sprinkling powdered sugar—onto your Deep-Fried Glutino Gluten-Free Maple-Frosted Doughnut. Allow to cool (or don't), and enjoy your Phat-Deece "Maple"-Syrup Deep-Fried Maple-Frosted Doughnut. And no, I don't know what you should do with the oil. Tupperware/wrestling?

*Like that'll work on any of the grill-stations...

†There's this one triangular spatula. Try to get that instead.

Rating: Deeceaster, but oh-so-Deecelicious

Sexy-Deece Aztec Hot Chocolate

Ingredients

10 oz chocolate milk

1 pinch red-pepper flakes

2 sprinklings dark chili powder

2 dashes cayenne pepper

1 wink all-spice

1 tussle ground cloves

1 tickle nutmeg

1 spank cinnamon

5 finger-globs honey mustard

1 finger-glob honey

1 finger-glob Deece custard

½ oz water

Utensils

1 white mug

1 spoon

Preparation

Squirt 10 oz chocolate milk into 1 white mug. Add 1 pinch red-pepper flakes, 1 sprinkling dark chili powder, 2 dashes cayenne pepper, 1 wink all-spice, 1 tussle ground cloves, 1 tickle nutmeg, and 1 spank cinnamon. Draw a picture of Quetzalcoatl on your belly with 5 finger-globs honey mustard. Place the white mug in the microwave, and heat for 1 minute and 45 seconds. Lick the honey mustard off of your fingers. Remove the white mug from the microwave. Draw a sun on your right cheek with 1 finger-glob honey, and draw a moon on your left cheek with 1 finger-glob Deece custard. Allow the Sexy-Deece Aztec Hot Chocolate to cool for approximately 1 minute and 32 seconds. Prostrate yourself before a window—east-facing if it is morning, west-facing if it is evening. Enjoy your Sexy-Deece Aztec Hot Chocolate. Lick your fingers again. Mix 1 sprinkling dark chili powder with ½ oz water in the bottom of the white mug, and spread the mixture across your upper and lower lip. Press your powdered lips against 1 Deece comment-card, fold the Deece comment-card, and place it in the Deece comment-card box.

Rating: Looks Deecegusting, but it's quite Deecent, really.

Phat-Deece Glutino Gluten-Free Vanilla-Frosted Jelly Doughnuts

Ingredients

1 Glutino Gluten-Free Vanilla-Frosted Doughnut

2 spoonfuls Deece jelly, jam, or preserves

Utensils

1 butter-knife

1 spoon

1 white plate
1 fork

Preparation

Glutino Gluten-Free Vanilla-Frosted Doughnuts are thick and hardy, and perfect for this recipe: cut 1 Glutino Gluten-Free Vanilla-Frosted Doughnut in half with a butter-knife.* Carve out a canal—about ¼" deep and 3/8" wide—in 1 half of the Glutino Gluten-Free Vanilla-Frosted Doughnut. Take two spoonfuls of Deece jelly, jam, or preserves, and fill in the canal so that the jam is deeper than the canal by about ¼". Place this filled half of the Glutino Gluten-Free Vanilla-Frosted Doughnut on the white plate, canal-side up. Take the other half of the Glutino Gluten-Free Vanilla-Frosted Doughnut and repeat the canal-carving process. Take this second half of the Glutino Gluten-Free Vanilla-Frosted Doughnut and place it firmly on top of the first half, canal-side down. Try not to allow any of the Deece jelly, jam, or preserves to leak out of the Glutino Gluten-Free Vanilla-Frosted Doughnut. Place the white plate in the microwave and heat for 45 seconds. Take out, allow to cool for approximately 2-4 minutes, and enjoy your very own jelly-filled, Glutino Gluten-Free Vanilla-Frosted Doughnut.

For an interesting twist on this classic recipe, try substituting 2 spoonfuls of Deece custard for the 2 spoonfuls of Deece jelly, jam, or preserves—or try substituting 1 Glutino Gluten-Free Chocolate-Frosted Doughnut, 1 Glutino Gluten-Free Maple-Frosted Doughnut, or 1 Glutino Gluten-Free Cinnamon Doughnut for the 1 Glutino Gluten-Free Vanilla-Frosted Doughnut.

*The outside of a Glutino Gluten-Free Vanilla-Frosted Doughnut is not at all thus. In fact it will crumble all the fuck over the place. Stuff it in the center hole at the end. Honestly, it's impossible to dig a good canal anyway. Eat this shit with a fork. It tastes delicious.

Rating: Deecelicious