Weekly-Squat™ Edition: Traditional-Deece Ants On A Dog

Remember when mom made this for you?


Ingredients
1 hot dog
A couple raisins
1 or 2 white-chocolate chips
1 Tbl peanut-butter

Utensils
1 white plate
1 fork
1 knife

Preparation
On 1 white plate, spread 1 Tbl. peanut-butter over 1 hot dog with 1 knife. Stick A couple raisins in the 1 Tbl. peanut-butter, interspersed with 1 or 2 white-chocolate chips. Cut with 1 fork. Tell the Squat boys.

Rating: Deecetasteful

Hiatus-Schmatus-Deece Root Beer Float

Check out all that waste. Dirty world, dirty consciences. 

Just 'cause we're slow and dirty…


Ingredients
8 oz root beer
4 oz vanilla ice cream*


Utensils
1 brown cup
1 spoon

Preparation
Fill 1 brown cup with 8 oz root beer. Add 4 oz vanilla ice cream. Stir it with a spoon, and watch that spume. Drink it. Cool! We're not dead yet! Yeah!

*Try it with soy yogurt if no ice cream is available. Don't pretend you aren't gross enough.












Rating: Deecent

Lonely-Deece Submission

Give up.






























GIVE UP.

Lonely-Deece Pretense of Companionship

 Don't go to the trouble of stir-frying. Everyone is going to know it's a sham.

Ingredients
1 whatever entree is being served at the Home Station*
1 whatever side is being served at the Home Station*
1 whatever vegetable is being served at the Home Station*
8 oz water
1 extra backpack
1 extra jacket
1 extra scarf
4 papers
2 books

Utensils
1 white plate
1 clear cup
1 fork
1 knife

Preparation
Get whatever they're serving at the Home Station (1 entree, 1 side, 1 vegetable) and put it on 1 white plate. Fill 1 clear cup with 8 oz water. Go to the nearest trash can and dump out 6 oz water and scrape away half of everything on the white plate with 1 fork and 1 knife. Find a table, and place 1 extra scarf and 1 extra jacket on it. Spread 2 books and 4 papers on the table in front of the jacket. Place the white plate, the clear cup, the fork, and the knife on top of and around the book and papers. It looks like somebody loves you. Sit across from this Lonely-Deece Pretense of Companionship. Is there anyone for us?

Happy Valentine's Day.†

*Can be substituted for things from the Vegan Station, the Grill Station, or Just 4 U, depending on what sort of lover you imagine you'd like to have. Just please, don't waste your time on stir fry. This is sad enough.
†There may be a more obvious link from The Wedding Singer, but then… it hurts, today. Today especially.

Rating: Deeceappointed, Deecepondent, Deecestressed, Deeceatisfed… what? No, you! Not the recipe.

Brunch-Deece Corn Pancakes

Ingredients
4 tablespoons waffle batter
2 handfuls yellow corn
2 pats butter
1 tablespoons "maple" syrup

Utensils
1 spatula
1 frying pan
1 grill-station
1 white plate
1 knife
1 fork

Preparation
Melt and spread 1 pat butter in 1 frying pan on medium heat on 1 grill-station. Pour 2 tablespoons of waffle batter into the pan. Sprinkle 1 handful of corn on the forming pancake. Trust me on this one. When the forming pancake is sufficiently cratered, flip it with the spatula. Remove from heat when done, and place on 1 white plate. Repeat process using remaining butter, batter, and corn. Drizzle this pair 'o' pancakes with 1 tablespoon "maple" syrup. Sad Breakfast.

 Rating: Deecequalified. This is literally the same pancake recipe, + corn.

South-of-the-Border-Deece Manzanas Fritas con Canela

That is, Los Fried Apples con Cinnamon


Ingredients
2 apples, sliced
3 tablespoons cinnamon
1 tablespoon cloves
8 pats butter

Utensils
1 fork
1 knife
1 frying pan
1 grill-station
1 white plate
1 spatula

Preparation
Melt 8 pats butter in 1 frying pan on 1 grill-station on medium heat. Slice 2 apples and add to butter. Add 3 tablespoons cinnamon and 1 tablespoon cloves. Stir, stir, stir. CAN YOU TELL WE'RE GETTING FUCKING SICK OF THIS BLOG?! Bite it, you scum.

Rating: Deecent; like you fucking care.

Occult-Deece Toad-In-A-Hole

Ingredients
1 egg
1 slice wheat bread
2 pats butter

Utensils
1 frying pan
1 grill-station
1 spatula*
1 white bowl
1 white plate
1 fork
1 knife

Preparation
Witches have toad familiars. Take 1 slice wheat bread, and cut 1 2" diameter whole in the bread. Eat the cut-out. Place 1 frying pan on 1 grill station and melt'n'spread 2 pats butter on medium heat. Crack 1 egg slightly, and pour the egg white into 1 white bowl. Leave the yolk inside the egg, and set it aside, with the crack facing up. Place the wheat bread inside the frying pan, and pour the egg yolk into the hole. Pour the egg white over the wheat bread. Flip the wheat bread with the spatula†. This is called a toad in a hole. Occult-Deece Toad-In-A-Hole. Toads, toads, toads. Egg toads? Place it on 1 white plate, cut and eat with 1 knife and 1 fork. Hail Satan. @Spraytan666, hit us up. And here's looking at you, Moonstruck.

*Yeahh.
†You know, yeahhh.

Wasteful-Deece Dessert Bowl

Attributed to T. S. '14

Ingredients

3-5 baked dessert items

4 tablespoons Deece chocolate mousse*

Ingredients

1 white bowl

1 fork

Preparation

Hey there, kids, it's me again; don't eat most of this. That's the point. Okay. Layer 2 tablespoons Deece chocolate mousse on the bottom of 1 white bowl. Add 3-5 baked dessert items, and pour another 2 tablespoons Deece chocolate mousse over the 3-5 baked dessert items. Pick at your Wasteful-Deece Dessert Bowl for half an hour or so. Dispose of it.

*or 4 tablespoons Deece custard, or 4 tablespoons Deece pudding. Deece cobbler if you're especially lucky.

Rating: Indeecent

Phat-Deece Brownie Surprise

Ingredients:

One Deece Brownie

Liberal squirt of caramel (from waffle station)

Gentle drizzle of chocolate sauce (from waffle station)

Delightful sprinkling of powdered sugar (from waffle station)

Preparation:

-Take one brownie. Cover it with just a little bit more caramel than you think is wise.

-Add a drizzle of chocolate sauce for good measure.

-Heat this combination in the microwave for approximately 23 seconds.

-Remove from microwave and add the sprinkling of powdered sugar, as though it were sugary-sugary snow, peppering the plate as the snow alights atop the agéd buildings of Vassar college. Or as though it were fake snow, gently covering your chocolate brownie.

-Feel free to further dress your brownie surprise with peanut butter or fruit if you see fit. You could even add some of that sunflower seed butter that they keep in packets at the Peace of Mind Zone...you know, the ones that contain too much for one piece of toast, but you can't reseal them? Use the rest on your brownie!

-Bite into this chocolatey sugary-beyond-sugary Deecert and enjoy!

Rating: Deecestructive (Choco-chocoDeecey)

Lazy-Deece Cereal Fiesta

Ingredients:

All six cereals

Milk of your choice (pick whole! No, chocolate!)

Dusting of powdered sugar

Preparation:

Fill your Deece bowl with one twist from each of the six cereal Deecespensers.

Add milk of your choosing and dust with a little powdered sugar!

The sheer funness of this dinner (must be eaten for dinner) will send you over the moon! Your mouth won't know what to think, but it doesn't have to worry because it's a mouth, and mouthes are for chewing, and tasting, and swallowing, and also for talking and kissing...but not thinking, and only sometimes tongue rings (if you are scary spice).

Rating: Deecelicious!

Obvious...but have you ever actually tried it?

Sober-Deece Fruit Mocktail

Ingredients:

One part wholesomely delicious cranberry juice (from the juice machine)

One part wholesomely delectable apple juice (from the juice machine)

One part seltzer water (from when you push the 'seltzer' button on the soda machine)

Pineapple for garnish (from the place where they sometimes keep fruit...well, basically just melon and jello, next to the place with the cream cheese)

Preparation:

It's saturday morning, and you and your friends are slowly piecing together what happened last night when it dawns on you, maybe you'd be better off with a mocktail one of these days. Then you wouldn't have to worry about those texts you accidentally sent last night, or that girl you accidentally __ last night. So...

-Grab a glass* and fill it 2/3 of the way up with Crap Juice (cran-apple)

-Add seltzer to fill the glass

-Garnish with a piece ofDeece fruit cocktail (pineapple or peaches or melon)

-Gulp it down and feel the sweet tasty tangy innocence flow down your throat!

Rating: Deecequenching/Refreshdeecing

Brunch-Deece Fried Egg Sandwich

Ingredients:

One english muffin

Two slices of ham (from the sandwich station)

Two slices of cheese of your choosing (from the sandwich station)

One fried egg (from omelet bar, or fry one yourself!)

Preparation:

-Cut one english muffin in half and toast to a crispy perfection worthy of the Deece

-Quickly place the cheese slices on top of one half of the hot toasted muffin

-Add the ham slices (folded in half)

-Ask the omelet bar for one friedegg OR

-Ask for one whole egg and fry it yourself at the stir fry station (they always have eggs back there, just don't be afraid to ask for one!) keeping the yolk runny if you like it like that

-Place fried egg on top of hamand cover with the other half of the english muffin

-Finally, bite into this wonderful, tasty, wholesome, all-american, protein-packed, part of your complete breakfast!

Rating: Deecent

Sloppy-Deece Pasta

Ingredients:

1 scoop Deece Sloppy Joe mix

Broccoli (from the stir fry station)

Zucchini (from the stir fry station)

A little onion (from the stir fry station) would be delightful here

A little marinara (from the stir fry station)

Noodles of your choosing (...from the stir fry station. Or Peace of Mind Zone fridge)

Preparation:

-saute the veggies in a little olive oil until tender yet crisp

-add the Sloppy Joe and marinara sauce and stir in with veggies, coating them on all sides, like a lover giving you a baby oil massage, or a big coat.

-toss in the noodles and cook until they are warmed through

-serve it up on a clean white plate (if you can possibly find one)

Rating: Deecelicious!

South-of-the-Border-Deece Quesadillas

Ingredients:

1 Tortilla (from sandwich station or bread box)

2 handfuls of shredded cheese (from salad bar)

1 scoop beans (from vegan station) OR

3 slices of ham or turkey (from sandwich station)

DO NOT USE JELLO

optional Brads Granola (jaykay....?...)

Preparation:

-Spread cheese and other fillings of your choice on one half of your Deece tortilla ("wrap" as they call it here where we are so far north of the border that we are actually closer to being south of the other border ourselves)

-Put in panini press (it is best if there is nothing else in there or else the top of the press won't reach the quesadilla)

-Grill until it is crispy on the outside and melty on the inside

Rating: Deecent

Snack-Time-Deece Pizza Bagels

Ingredients:

1 bagel or english muffin cut in half

2 scoops of marinara sauce (from stir fry station)

1 handful of shredded cheese (from salad bar)

1 piece salami (optional)

*feel free to add your favorite pizza toppings (olives, mushrooms etc.)

Preparation:

-Get one bagel or english muffin and toast it.

-Add marinara sauce to both sides of the bagel, and cheese along with whichever other toppings you like to one side.

-Put the two halves together as if they were making sweet love and turn the heat up! (put them in the panini press)

-Take it out of the press and cut it into four small bite sized pieces

-Enjoy this delicious snack!

Rating: Deecent

Greasy-Deece Potato Pancakes and Hash-Browns

Our pancakes will always smile, feel?

Hey boys 'n' girls: I'm a crusty grease-monkey, and I'm back. Let's get down to business.

Ingredients

3 handfuls french fries*

2 tablespoons sweet onion, minced

1 tablespoon sweet onion, chopped

2 tablespoons waffle batter

4 tablespoons vegetable oil†

Utensils

3 white bowls

1 deep frying-pan

1 grill station

1 fork

1 knife

1 white plate

Preparation: Part 1

Mash 2 handfuls french fries with 2 tablespoons waffle-batter and 2 tablespoons minced onion—using 1 fork, 1 knife, and your big bear hands—to the consistency of banana-puree. In 1 deep frying-pan on 1 grill station, heat 4 tablespoons vegetable oil on high heat. You haven't got much time (in fact, there's no time), so shape the 2-handfuls-french-fries-and-2-tablespoons-waffle-batter-and-2-tablespoons-minced-onion mixture into 2 discs, each of exactly 3.5". diameter. Place the 2 discs of exactly 3.5" diameter in the 4 tablespoons vegetable oil, which are heating in 1 deep frying-pan on 1 grill-station. Got all that? Right, fry those things, and do that fast, because you know, oil spits and that. By the way, this is still a fucking mess. Try and flip these, they'll stick like crazy, but you should make the attempt. Pour out your excess oil into another white bowl. Place your crispy Greasy-Deece Potato-Pancakes on 1 white plate. You've succeeded if they don't crumble down to hash-brown status. Can you guess how Part 2 came about?

Preparation: Part 2

Mash 1 handful french fries and 1 tablespoon chopped onions to the consistency of … hash-browns, okay, what do you want? Pour the excess oil from Part 1 back into the deep frying-pan (yeah, it was really important that you take it out in the first place). Heat the oil on high heat, and throw this mixture in. Fry it all nice and good. Greasy-Deece Hash-Browns. Reaaaaal greasy, baby.

*Yeah, REAL HANDFULS.
†This recipe might work a lot better if you didn't fry these in a lot of oil. You could try that.

Rating: Another Deeceaster, but if you like potatoes and fat, it's pretty Deecent.

Pre-School-Deece Snack Time

Sometimes we feel like mature intellectuals who discuss gender binaries and the ambiguous status of the "middle class" within communist worldview. Sometimes we feel like sassy bitches and sexy thugs cruising for hotties at the latest mediocre dance event. Sometimes we feel like ripping our hair out in the library. And sometimes we just feel like we're four years old again.

Here are some recipes to create the perfect pre-school snack time for when you long for a simpler time.

Peanut Butter and Banana Sandwich

Ingredients:

2 slices of white bread **

1/2 banana sliced into small rounds

2 generous spoonfuls of peanut butter

-spread the peanut butter over one side of each piece of bread

-place the banana slices across the peanut buttered surface of one slice

-cover with the second slice

-cut off all the crusts

** can be substituted for whole wheat if you’ve forgotten what it feels like to be a kid

Ants-On-A-Log

Ingredients:

2 pieces of celery

2 spoonfuls of peanut butter

8 raisins

-remove some of the annoying stringy stuff from the celery slices

-fill the center of each slice to the brim with peanut butter

-place four raisins across the peanut butter on each piece

Smiley Face Pancake

Ingredients:

1 cup of deece waffle batter

butter to cook with

an obscene amount of syrup that you later regret drenching your plate with

-in a frying pan at the stir fry station, melt a little butter

-pour in two small medallions of batter and one large circle

-cook until bubbles appear in the center of batter, then flip

-remove from pan

-pour remaining batter in a curved streak across the pan, cook as above

-place the two small medallions and the streak as the eyes and mouth upon the larger ‘face’ pancake

-smother with syrup and enjoy!

Serve all these with a glass of deece apple juice (watered down to reduce chances of sugar-induced hyper-ness)

Should be enjoyed with a friend who makes you feel like a kid again

Rating: Deecelicious, Deecelightful!